OK, so let’s be generous and say they were trapped on that little island for a day and a half… even though they probably would have frozen to death in that much time due to them all being too stupid to light a fire even though one of them has a flaming sword and they have a ton of gear they could burn, and there’s also a guy that has massive wounds from being attacked by a zombie bear and he’s been awfully quiet for a few hours, but hey I’m sure he’s fine sleeping out in arctic temperatures with massive blood loss, so I don’t think we need to bother to check on him or anything…

But let’s say a day and a half, because it was only night once, so that’s the longest it could have been.

First, how long did it take Gendry to run back to the wall? To get where they were they were marching for an unspecified amount of time, a few days I guess? How fast could Gendry possibly run through snow with all the gear he was wearing? OK, let’s just be reeeeeeally generous and say he got back to the wall in like an hour, that they were about a mile away. We’ll ignore the fact that if the Hound’s arrowhead mountain was less than 20 miles from the Wall, obviously they would be able to see it from the 700 foot Wall and the people at Eastwatch would already know where he was talking about, making these scenes later where he spots the mountain and they realize that they’re going the right way pointless… But let’s just assume that when they were attacked they were like a mile from the wall and Gendry could run that in an hour (He couldn’t…)

OK, so Gendry got back to the Wall in an hour, we’ll assume they sent a raven immediately and it took no time to get to Eastwatch or compose a letter, that leaves 35 of the 36 hours for the raven to travel 2000 miles to Dragonstone, Dany to read the letter and consider what to do, hop on a dragon and travel 2000 miles back. We’ll assume ravens are slower than dragons and give the raven 20 hours to get there… that means these ravens travel 100 miles an hour, and with 15 hours to get to the wall the dragons would need to travel about 133 miles an hour. Traveling 133 miles an hour up in the air during winter weather, you would think Dany would need like a scarf or something to cover her face? But that would ruin the lines of her fancy dragon queen snow suit she had lying around for just such an occasion and anyway she doesn’t get burned, so Ok.

None of which is to mention how incredibly dumb the island standoff is already… So the zombies are just standing there waiting a day and a half, and none of them notice that the lake has frozen over until the Hound throws a rock that hits ice? Why does a rock hitting ice mean that the ice is strong enough for them to walk on, anyway? The ice the day before was thin enough that they couldn’t walk on it, but now it’s frozen so solidly that thousands of them can? That means the ice was new the day prior, did it like JUST get cold North of the Wall a few hours before the chase scene? Why exactly do the White Walkers have projectile weapons ready that they can casually hurl by hand with enough force to kill a dragon, yet nobody had or could find anything to throw 20 feet at these clowns on an island? They just kind of had to wait? Also, they’re zombies, falling in water doesn’t kill them, so why did cracks in the ice even stop them, anyway? They could have kept walking to the island underwater, right?

Were they somehow counting on the dragons coming so they could kill one? If so, how did they know that somebody had gone to send a message? If they knew Gendry had gone and done that, then why did they attack at all? That would mean they didn’t want to kill Jon and co., right? It seemed like they were trying to, though, albeit very badly… Also, weren’t they busy marching their army to like conquer the world or something? If so, why is it important to take a time out for days to capture these half dozen people? Do they understand what Jon’s mission was? If so, then again, why were they doing any of the things they were doing?

And did Jon already have the idea that if they were in trouble they would send a raven to Dany, or did that just occur to him in the moment when the zombies attacked? If it just occurred to him then, did he honestly never consider that they might be attacked? And if he DID consider it, why the fuck didn’t they just bring a raven with them, instead of the, “We’ll just have Gendry sprint 20 miles in snow and send for help that’s 2,000 miles away, and assume we’ll find a convenient spot for a standoff that allows us to wait a day and a half for Dany to show up,” plan? Unless we’re honestly supposed to believe that he never considered before they went up there they they could get attacked, and if this is the only plan they have for when they get attacked, why didn’t he discuss it with Dany before they left? How are any of them surprised by them ending up in danger when a handful of people decided they were going to go start shit with a zombie army?

Why are ANY of these characters doing ANY of the stupid things they’re doing?


And this is the good part of the episode I’m talking about now… They have a formula this season where they spend the first 40 minutes of the episode on terrible dialog where characters are just endlessly summarizing the earlier, better seasons to one another, and then they throw a big battle scene at you for the last 20 minutes to trick you into feeling like you got your money’s worth.

Don’t even get me started on the Sansa/Arya story, which if possible is 50 times stupider than everything happening North of the Wall.

But on the other hand, zombie dragons! Can’t wait for next week!